Saturday, September 06, 2008

Dysphoria Rears Its Very Ugly Head

When I say I'm cranky, that's part and parcel of being manic depressive. It's the double-edged sword. Dysphoria. Not depression. Two different things entirely. Dysphoria is that part of mania that's not fun. It's savage, nasty, and destructive. The polar (pardon the pun) opposite of euphoria.

Today I had a major brain seizure. I saw something on someone else's blog that set me off and I immediately went to town on this woman. I thought she had "stolen" something from my blog, The Knitting Curmudgeon. Um, no. But when I'm in the throes of a dysphoric episode, I can't see anything but red. Bright, bloody red.

When Dr. B told me that bipolar disorder is a seizure of the brain last year, I realized how right he was. Right before I go off the wall, I can feel the pressure in the back of my head. My brain is malfunctioning. You'd think at this point I'd be able to stop myself when this happens.

I didn't. I just went right on and ran my mouth. Fortunately for me, the object of my ire was gracious and understanding. However, I'm sure I left a big bad taste in her mouth. When I "came to my senses," as it were, I was bowled over as to what I had just done. And tried to make amends. I hope I have.

My loving gatekeeper, N, was out today, going on a job interview. He called me from the road and immediately said, "What's wrong, sweetie?" He always knows. And when I explained to him what happened, he told me he had thought I was a bit crabby this morning before he left. I hadn't seen that at all but looking back, he's right. I wish he had said something then but he was running late for his interview and didn't really have the time.

It's time for a medication review, for sure. With the fall coming and the "Danger Zone" of the shorter days, I need to see Dr. B this week before this spirals into something worse. Managing the disorder is always a full-time job but I believe that everyone needs a gatekeeper, someone who knows them well enough to put the kibosh on bad behavior.

N is that person. And I love him for it. I'm feeling better now. But that doesn't mean shit. The dysphoria is back and I'll give it a run for its money.


Sarah said...

I'm sorry you are in the throes of this beast, but am glad to see you have a plan in place to beat it back. I hope the pmed adjustment works swiftly and smoothly.

mindy said...

Sorry you're in that spot now- its never fun. I got my official diagnosis Friday, though it had been building and I knew it was coming. This blog fills in alot of the blanks and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. It was a shorter scheduled appt Friday and I could tell I'd been low all week. We never got to naming the ups and downs- so now I have another name. And another warning symptom/feeling to watch for. Hope things smooth out for you soon.