Sunday, November 16, 2008

When the Insidious Dark Mists Spread Their Vaporous Poison

No matter how religiously I've taken my meds, sometimes a situation derails them.

My job, a continuous stressor, finally broke me into pieces. Pieces that screamed, cried, grasped out for help. A jigsaw puzzle of a human being, frantically trying to put Tab A into Slot B before the world swallowed her up.

Not in 13 years have I had such a depressive episode. Even the death of my husband almost 7 years ago didn't send me into this kind of tailspin. I ran to Dr. B in tears. He upped my meds and told me I had to step away from the job, for at least two weeks, or I would end up in the hospital. I leaned on Mim, my therapist. She reinforced what Dr. B said and told me I had to get out of the job. I couldn't face going on disability but the prospect seemed certain.

Drugged to the gills, with doubled Xanax, increased Lamictal, I sat in silence in my chair, knitting day after day, sleeping when groggy. And then, two special things happened. Two shining moments that cleared my head and my heart.

The first was a reconnection with a man whom I had gotten to know through a dating site and then pushed away, because I was afraid of being hurt again. But Jerry and I found each other again. I let him back in. And he made me laugh, night after night on the phone, and then in person a week ago. Funny, smart, caring. Just what I needed. He brought me roses, took me to lunch, we went for a long drive in the country, and then out to dinner. And he's called me almost every night, teasing me lovingly and making me happy. I'll see him tomorrow again and I can't wait.

The second wonderful moment was a call from a recruiter with whom I had had contact last January. This time, she had a perfect job offer for me with a pharmaceutical company, doing the technical writing and procedures analyses that I can do so well. A week and a half ago, they took me out to lunch for my interview, I managed to pull my ass together and smile and be personable. The two people, Rick and Katy, were incredibly nice and I'd be working with them. Three days later, they made me an offer. With more money than I've ever made in my life.

It's funny how my higher power works in mysterious ways and watches over me. I was close to losing my faith but when push comes to shove, if you hang on, life does get better. I've always believed that I have the strength to overcome whatever gets thrown in my face. Once again, I've pulled myself out of the well. But not without help from He who always loves me, my family, and my friends.

This disorder that we all share can be a curse to some. To me, it's the fount of my creativity and the life challenge that has built my character. When it threatens to take over, I take no prisoners. Ever.


mindy said...

Wow- I'm on cloud 9 for you- sounds like these are just the changes you need- you've worked and fought hard. Its good to know that after the horrible spots, there are times when you can simply be happy- enjoy every second!

Shelly said...

I'm glad you're back among the living, Mar. Being in the hole ain't no good. I've slipped into my own depression (again) and I'm fighting back. It's so hard, but the alternative is worse. Got my butt back into therapy and onto new meds. Hearing your experience makes me hopeful.

Anonymous said...

The weather and shorter days every fall into winter just kicks my butt. Thank you for sharing. The idea of disability terrifies me most days and at the black bottom feels like refuge. glad you have a good support system around you.